Listen Better! Listen with Empathy

Mastering the skill of listening with empathy is crucial for any product manager. Whether you’re engaging with customers, users, stakeholders, colleagues, or management, the core goal remains the same: understanding the needs of others to build trust.

Listening Without Empathy is Expensive!

Listening without empathy can be a significant waste of both time and insight. Simply running through user interviews without genuinely seeking to understand can miss the opportunity to build deeper connections and gain meaningful insights.

Moreover, when interacting with colleagues and other people in the workplace, failing to listen empathetically can hinder the development of trust and deep relationships, which are essential for a collaborative and productive work environment.

Product builders must not just aim to “run interviews” but strive to uncover and understand the underlying needs that drive behaviors and preferences, fostering a culture of empathy and mutual understanding.

Human Needs: The Hidden Gold

The challenge with identifying human needs is that they often lie beneath the surface, hidden beyond strategies, values, and emotions. To truly understand someone’s needs, we must look beyond what they say and do, and consider their emotions and values.

Helpful questions to get closer to a person’s needs:

• What are their actual pain points?

• What are their expectations and mental models?

• What emotions come up in certain situations?

• What are their values?

• What need would be fulfilled if everybody would respect and live those values?

Actionable exercise: Create a list of all your interaction partners, and reflect on how well you know them. What values are driving them? What are their needs? Where do you have a clear answer and where are you struggling to answer these questions? Aim to dig further into those relationships. If you can, schedule a lunch/coffee date right away and plan to be a good listener on that encounter.

Why Does it Matter? The Benefits of Empathetic Listening

When you create a trustful space to “receive” the other person, they will notice. They’ll be able to relax into that connection and build trust. You on the other side will be able to learn something about the other person that you haven’t known before. It will expand your mental and emotional model of the other person within yourself.

In the product realm, this will lead to improved user understanding, better product decisions, and increased trust and satisfaction.

5 Steps to Become a Better Empathetic Listener:

Step 1: Be Curious and Present!

Being a good listener requires the “right” intention.

You cannot be a good listener when you actually don’t care about the other person and want to get away as soon as possible. You cannot be a good listener when you just want to get a certain piece of information and don’t really care about the problems/joys the other person is dealing with right now.

Being a good listener requires genuine curiosity! It’s not just about hearing. It’s about understanding and relating. It’s about reading beyond the lines.

Your intention has to be to connect and relate to the other human, be it a potential customer, a stakeholder, or your spouse.

Actionable exercise: In every conversation, ask yourself: What is my intention here? Do I really want to listen and connect to the other person with compassion and empathy? Do I just want to get information? Do I just want to unload things on them? Is it about a transaction or about a connection?
Don’t judge yourself here. It’s totally fine to have a transactional conversation about a topic. You don’t have to emotionally connect to the cashier at the supermarket, but you can!

Step 2: Use Open Body Language

Communication is so much more than sound waves. An important dimension is your body language.

Facial expressions

Even when you try not to kill the other person’s empathy, your facial expressions can totally ruin your attempt. A strong nod or smiling for example suggests that you’re very much in favor of the other person while frowning might give up your sceptical view on something.

Body language

The same goes for body language. Sitting crossed-leg with crossed arms naturally won’t give the other person a feeling of being openly heard with curiosity and openness, but rather provide a feeling of skepticism and critique.

While all of the above are totally ok, it’s good to be conscious about them. When actively listening to another person, try not to give away cues by reacting with your face or body.

Actionable exercise: Practice your body and facial expressions in your next conversations. What makes you (un)comfortable in that situation? Do you need to hold on to something? Does it feel better to sit with crossed legs and arms? Do you need to stand up / sit down? Are you listening from below or above? Compare this with your intention (see Step 1) and maintain an open and curious non-verbal language.

Step 3: Avoid Empathy KILLERS

This is not a step to do, but rather a step to avoid.

There are many ways to kill empathy and to make the other person “shut down” immediately and pull up their guard again. Just knowing about the following 7 common empathy killers and reflecting on them can drastically improve your listening skills.

1/7 “Stealing the Topic”

In a group discussion about job stress, you respond to a colleague’s complaint about their workload by launching into a lengthy story about your own work stress and completely ignoring their initial point.

Conversation Example:

Colleague: “I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with the workload lately. It’s really stressing me out.”

You: “Oh, I know exactly how you feel! Just last week, I had to deal with three major projects at once, and it was a nightmare. Let me tell you about it…”

2/7 “Fraternization”

When a person shares their feelings about a difficult situation, and you either completely side with them and blame the other person involved, or you fully support the other person’s perspective and dismiss your friend’s feelings.

Conversation Example 1: Siding with the Speaking Person

Friend: “I’m really upset with Peter. They never seem to listen to me.”

You: “You’re absolutely right. Peter is always like that. They never consider other people’s feelings. You’re totally justified in being upset.”

Conversation Example 2: Siding with the Other Person

Friend: “I’m really upset with Peter. They never seem to listen to me.”

You: “I don’t know, maybe it’s not entirely Peter fault. You can be a bit difficult to deal with sometimes. Maybe you should try being more patient.”

3/7 Unsolicited Advice

When, instead of listening, you immediately start offering a list of tips and advice on how to solve the person’s issue.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’m feeling really anxious about moving to a new city. It’s such a big change.”

You: “You should join some local clubs to make friends. And definitely check out the downtown area; it has the best neighborhoods. Oh, and don’t forget to…”

4/7 Analysis

A person tells you about their emotional state, and instead of asking them more about their feelings, you start analyzing possible reasons they might feel this way.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’ve been feeling really down lately.”

You: “Maybe it’s because you don’t get out enough. You might be depressed because you’re not socializing or getting enough exercise.”

5/7 The Interview

In a conversation where someone is detailing a complex personal problem, you repeatedly interrupt them to ask for minor clarifications, which disrupts their flow and makes them feel unheard.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’ve been having this issue at work. My manager keeps giving me extra tasks and…”

You: “Wait, when did this start happening?”

Friend: “Um, a few weeks ago. So, as I was saying, these extra tasks are really…”

You: “And what did your manager say exactly when they gave you these tasks?”

6/7 Playing Things Down

Someone is upset about something, and you respond with a soothing response trying to comfort the other person. Effectively, you don’t take their emotions seriously.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’m really upset about not getting that promotion.”

You: “It’s not that bad, is it? At least you have a job. Some people can’t even find work.”

7/7 Changing Topics

Instead of listening to the other person, you swiftly change the subject to discuss something different, ignoring their need to talk about their feelings.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’ve been really struggling since the breakup.”

You: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. By the way, have you thought about what you’re doing for the holidays? I’m planning a trip to the mountains.”

Step 4: Ask Open Questions!

In contrast to leading questions which bias the speaker’s response and limit their expression, asking open questions encourages the speaker to share more detailed and nuanced information. Open questions typically begin with “how,” “what,” “why,” or “tell me about,” and they allow the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings without feeling guided or judged. You create a space where the speaker feels heard and understood.

Conversation Example:

Friend: “I’m feeling really stressed about my new job.”

You (Open Question): “What about the new job is causing you the most stress?”

You (Leading Question): “Is it because you have more work and less time compared to your old job?”

In this example, the open question invites the friend to share their specific concerns and experiences, leading to a deeper understanding, whereas the leading question presumes the cause of stress and narrows the response.

Actionable exercise: In your upcoming conversations try to be extra conscious about how you ask questions. Are you leading the question and giving some (subjective) options to choose from? What does that do to the other person? Try very consciously to ask open and non-leading questions and see what happens. How are the answers different from the options you would have suggested?

Step 5: Listen Actively!

This method is sometimes also called paraphrasing, mirroring, or looping.

Active listening triggers the other person to go to an emotional and need level. In the best case, they will get in touch with their own feelings and needs and connect with you on that level.

You can use the following template as an orientation and adapt it to the situation. It’s origin lies in Marshall B. Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

When… (observation)… did you feel … (feeling)… because you … (need)?

You’ll notice that this question is not really an open question (as described in Step 4). You’re putting your guess about what’s happening in the other person into that question. That’s ok. You might not guess their feelings and needs correctly all of the time, but you’re bringing the whole conversation to a different level.

Conversation Example

You: “When Mike interrupted you the 5th time earlier in our meeting, did you get angry because you wanted to finish your sentence and feel listened to? (need to be seen)”

Colleague (Resonance): “Yes totally! I hate this so much when others interrupt me! It always reminds me of me trying to tell my parents something as a kid and they wouldn’t listen at all! 😡”

Colleague (Deeper exploration): “No, I wasn’t angry. I was rather disappointed and sad because I’m longing for a team culture that respects everyone and every opinion in the room. There’s enough injustice in the world already (need for justice and equality)”.

Actionable exercise: In your next empathic conversation, try to listen carefully and actively loop the other person after a certain amount of time. A “natural pause” is a good time for that. So instead of killing the opportunity with something like “Ow that’s super tough” or “Wow, that’s so cool! I wish I’d have that as well. For me it was always … ”, just keep the space open and mirror the other person.

If this feels too much / (still) very unnatural, you can do this within your head or only use parts of it e.g. ”Did that make you angry?”

Summary and Final Thoughts

Becoming a better listener, especially with empathy, is essential for product managers to understand the needs of users, co-workers, and stakeholders.

Empathetic listening fosters meaningful connections and leads to better product decisions.

To listen effectively, be genuinely curious, use open body language, avoid empathy killers, ask open questions, and practice active listening.

These steps help create a trustful space where others feel heard and valued, enhancing collaboration and mutual understanding. Implementing these practices can transform interactions and improve both personal and professional relationships.

Learn more about the Essentials of Product Management

We’re offering a hands-on, 6-week, live & digital course on the most important yet hardest skills of a product manager. Learn from 25+ years with over 70 companies. The next batch starts on June 3rd, 2024